lilly in the rose garden

Posted on: August 23, 2014

I feel like Halloween already

This month’s theme on EGL is “Ita to Lolita: transformations” So here is my contribution:


So, as I have mentioned before, my first dress was a Bodyline OP I bought (totally overpriced) at Megacon back in 2010. Yikes. It was several sizes too large, and the detachable sleeves big enough to hide muffins inside them. But I love that shade of blue! [Far left image]

lolita over the years smaller
From left to right: June 2011, July 2012, July 2012, October 2012, May 2013, October 2013

Back in the beginning I relied heavily on Claire’s. I also thought that white knee high socks with lace were a MUST HAVE and put them with every single outfit, complete with matching white ballet flats or, my feet despised this, black mary jane heels. My bodyline was quickly deflating. And for a while there I was intending to switch from Classic to Punk (Hint: It didn’t work. Ripped tights with florals was alright, but my plain tank top and plain black cropped sweater were so….bland…..) So back to Classic and Country it was. It took me a while to realize that cream blouse X cream base skirt was so….empty a canvas, and that socks and accessories really do matter. (I still don’t wear a lot of jewelry but I’m getting there.)

Misc. from 2013?

From July 2014

So! I see a good deal of improvement, although I still have attachments to ankle socks (your mileage may vary) and sleeveless tops (Summer conventions….why)

(Apparently this is my 151st post! Yay milestone?)

Today was my first day of school. I drove myself, and the air, although sweltering, gave a slight hint of the coming months. The trees look so beautiful, as if life is at its peak just this week only. I have basically filler work all week, nothing important. Which means more time to plan last second parties for my friends.

Now, I will look back on the third school year of this blog. I like doing YIR in August because, lets be real, my life revolves around the school schedule. Last YIR post I commented that 2012-2013 felt like a thousand years. This time not so much. It went by too quickly. The school year felt like a calm continuation of the peace I had found the previous April. Classes were easy (During midterms I lamented not doing 110% and getting A+s in my easy A classes. Second semester I did just that and hardly took any exams) I was in band, which was boooring and the underclassmen were difficult to work with, but I made one strong yet short lived friendship so yeah. I didn’t have huge challenges, no mental breakdowns. Just routine. My confidence was high, and we were drunk on the promise of freedom.

{I can’t say I cherished any of last year’s classes. They were mandatory. I did enjoy my English teacher’s friendly style so much that I signed up for his class this year. I’m returning to Latin while keeping up Spanish, and taking my first ever proper art class. It’s all so trivial}

Homecoming lived up to all expectations (It’s the underclassmen that give it charmful spirit!), but Prom was a waste of money. An hour into the event, I was the 3rd person to arrive. I left early to get gelato instead. Next time, I will skip it to go to Epcot.

Last summer was characterized by me trying to grow up a bit. This summer, I had no one defining fashion, attitude, or philosophy. (I don’t wear gyaru anymore, It’s too hot for  Lolita, I mostly go with the flow in a loose, street fashion kind of way. Fewer established styles. I don’t want to be as innocently feminine anymore. Now I want to grow up.) I wandered from idea to idea with little down time. It was very busy, with official tours and summer classes, and Homework. I feel like I rested very little, hardly slept in. But I did become a full-time driver and chill at my friends’ houses a ton so it evens out?


As a whole, this past school year was all about fun. I was happy. I wasn’t burdened. I didn’t care about the past anymore, I had a s.o. that didn’t make me cry every week, and I felt needed. I walked in day one arrogantly waltzing about- ‘cuz I was a/the clique leader!

Now, I’m walking in with our numbers diminished, but spirits high. My two best friends in my grade are in my advising and I need to spend as much time with them as possible.

{{this is yucky and I will edit it more. It feels…incomplete, but I have been stalling so so much so there}}

This was supposed to be written and posted on the 10th, out of tradition. OTL

Year 1

Year 2

For the very first time, the stars and planets aligned and I was able to attend on Sunday. Now, whether or not it was really worth the extra day is debatable, but I will treat it like a mini victory anyway.


(Left to right: CPK with Shironuri, Karkat, Classic Lolita)

(RANT ALERT: VERY LITTLE INFORMATIVE CONTENT) These are the days when this really is a PERSONAL blog first and foremost.
I will say, however, that this post isn’t going to be as informative as I usually like to be. My con experience has evolved a lot with time: it used to be that I conquered alone, shopping and stopping to take lots of photos. Now, the biggest portion of time is spent chilling with friends (who quite often aren’t in cosplay and leave the con early) and following group plans. I have few pictures beyond of myself. And honestly, I’m getting burned out. This was my 17th convention (all in the span of 4ish years!) and I know what to expect. I’ve never been a panel person and I’m past the “must buy EVERYTHING” stage.

Thus, my weekend was dictated by when my friends were arriving (and my parking situation). I drove myself all three days, a first, and managed to get myself lost once or twice. I learned from my mistakes and found creative detours when crowds and accidents blocked my way.
My panel was on Friday. It was…disappointing. My friends said I did great, but I feel bad anyway. A random guy, identified only as “Steven,” crashed my panel to talk about sushi and boobs :/ I do believe that will be the end of my paneling days. (This is tied in with the gyaru thing) Saturday’s Lolita panel was huge, with 108 in attendance. It was disgusting. She is a terrible public speaker and they are so uppity and I have so few loli friends (gee, with my wonderful personality) and the way they hypocritically were falling over each other to praise Bodyline, when they turned up their nose at it last year…ugh UGH. (My underage friends all avoided Mr. Yan like the plague. I don’t care if he’s behaved thus far this weekend, he still gives us the creeps and I would like people to respect that his track record may be intimidating.)
Sunday wasn’t that great. It was crowded and annoyingly loud and I was done with the con scene but I wasn’t about to abandon the kismesis.


There wasn’t any one fandom represented the most, cosplay-wise, like in previous years. There was barely any hetalia, what felt like minimal Homestuck (although the meetup was decently large. Where were you hiding?), and a handful of SNK. Jo Jo’s Bizarre Adventure, that one basketball anime, Free!, and comic characters were common. I saw a surge in kids’ cartoons, such as Disney princess groups and that one fab Danny Phantom group.



A big change was the con configuration. You can feel how much attendance has grown- there will even be a 4th day next year! The vendor room was moved into the larger ballroom upstairs, flip-flopping with special events/autograph track. (It was nice not having autograph lines near the vendors) There were a number of tables in the back of the room, which became out favorite meeting spot. What Pumpkin was in the vendor room, so I bought a Knight of Blood pin. I also bought sea salt ice cream lollipops, a Patlabor CD (dakeshimeta midNIGHT BLUUEEEE), and a necklace. There were two booths selling proper Lolita, but I abstained for the good of my wallet (the weekend’s parking fees probably could have bought a dress argh).

Overall, it was a good con. More organized than, say, Khaotic. Consistent, entertaining, the best hometown con.






Posted on: July 4, 2014

Have you all heard of this Space Email thing? I tried it. I don’t know if my message actually sent, but I’m enjoying the mix of poetry and fart jokes that flood my inbox.

Space Email is the kind of website I desperately needed back in 2011. I wish it had been around for me and my loneliness. I just read a poem message that felt like a mirror.


Posted on: June 9, 2014

Tonight I made the mistake of looking at old youtube videos, from the glory days (aka hardcore weeb). I then forced spoke with two friends who had to console me out of the overly nostalgic, emotional mood.
I made a lot of friends that i lost and never recovered. I really miss those days….i was a raging weeb that started sub vs. dub fights on videos constantly, and tried to make a fanime and yet back in those days, i never got hate, made lots of internet friends, and made great (yet mortifying) memories.
There’s no common culture there anymore (meaning among that circle of anime fans/wannabe animators/vocaloid) Like, we all admired tinachan90 and Dreachu and Lionnessjenna and TehMana.
I just think the channel layout and the “groups” function and the emphasis on comments fostered a better social network than other sites. like, it was creative but social. and now all of the social network aspects are gone.

i just think we had a good thing going back then :) no matter how embarrassing it is now to look back
A friend brough up Beckii Cruel and other old names. [wrt Beckii Cruel: i just found it freaky as hell to have one icon of those days, of the common group culture, already have evolved into something so different, something..I also turned to. If beckii cruel can transition from weeb dance covers to popular jfashion blogger (even despite that attempt at a singing career) then why cant i just live in peace online]
I get overwhelmed by blinding nostalgia sometimes and i miss those days because im so dissatisfied with the way things are now. like, im quitting fandoms bc ive received so much hate. I’ve finally got to the root of my melancholy.
I’m quitting gyaru, I’m on the fence about Lolita. (I’ve put too much money into Lolita to drop it like a hot potato That would be a waste, after all these years of wardrobe building.)
Are you  kidding you’ve been searching for white lipstick A YEAR AND A HALF. You just bought it!”
I’ll find ways to wear it with everyday outfits. No more gyaru
“What about your panel?”
I’ll do it on cpk and dolly kei and decora and mori girl and everything else.
“But you love gyaru”
but i don’t love being shamed for daring to post on my own blog
i don’t enjoy snide comments behind my back and overt hostility to my face
i don’t enjoy walking around cons in fear of local gyaru that mean trouble
i derive a lot of strength and confidence from adhering, at least in part, to a named, known style. to be subculture-less…..ugh. I have no 100% offline alternative. To exit the online scene would mean quitting entirely.
I usually pick up a new hobby or style or fandom after Metrocon, so if I can find ways to decrease the panel stress and have a good time, that might help me figure things out and find new direction.
What will I be known for, now that youtube is long in the past, Lolita never stuck, and gyaru was an intense disappointment? Where do I turn for solace and community, without compromising my passions?
(the kismesis suggested I branch out in their interests, if it pleases me. Rpg, gaming? other friend suggested egging people’s houses. I like that.)
also maybe if we did something we always wanted to do as weebs would make you feel better about the old communities
I think I might just try creating a simple animation. My drawing capabilities have improved so much over the years since I last tried that side of life. I only work on paper, not on computer, though…
I wont dwell on it too too much but i feel equal parts anger at the comm and internalized self loathing. I self loathe for slightly different reasons. its their fault for having random beef with me. But on the other hand, i look back on the past 4 years of trying to find a niche amongst jfashion communities and i have failed. wasted my time. i will never fit in, so why do i keep bothering.

its been such a big thing for me, i don’t know how to just…let go and move on. what can fill the gap. i mean, this is what i do. i live for all the online fandom interactions. and look how far some of it has taken me! (like the fashion show) but ive hit a dead end when i feel more pain than joy

matryoshkaRose~ (the former lillymelody)
cosplay, street fashion, reviews and more!
When in doubt, come into the rose garden ( ・ω・)ノ

2013 Convention Schedule!
Metrocon (Panel Friday @ 3pm in room 18)
Shadocon (panel?? Depends on how metro goes)

Ways to contact me

Line Play (matryoshkarose)
livejournal (matryoshkalilly)
Tumblr (matryoshkaRose OR rosciia OR moderngal OR newleafshibuya)

Hair growth progress- As of June 2014- I regularly trim my own bangs and they look amazing- choppy and short. Tendrils are long enough to incorporate into general hair. Hair is just about at hips, but with major major fairy tail ends. Mother threatens daily to cut it in my sleep. I plan on dying 2-3 inches at the bottom hot pink again. This time, all diy at home >:D



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