lilly in the rose garden

(Apparently this is my 151st post! Yay milestone?)

Today was my first day of school. I drove myself, and the air, although sweltering, gave a slight hint of the coming months. The trees look so beautiful, as if life is at its peak just this week only. I have basically filler work all week, nothing important. Which means more time to plan last second parties for my friends.

Now, I will look back on the third school year of this blog. I like doing YIR in August because, lets be real, my life revolves around the school schedule. Last YIR post I commented that 2012-2013 felt like a thousand years. This time not so much. It went by too quickly. The school year felt like a calm continuation of the peace I had found the previous April. Classes were easy (During midterms I lamented not doing 110% and getting A+s in my easy A classes. Second semester I did just that and hardly took any exams) I was in band, which was boooring and the underclassmen were difficult to work with, but I made one strong yet short lived friendship so yeah. I didn’t have huge challenges, no mental breakdowns. Just routine. My confidence was high, and we were drunk on the promise of freedom.

{I can’t say I cherished any of last year’s classes. They were mandatory. I did enjoy my English teacher’s friendly style so much that I signed up for his class this year. I’m returning to Latin while keeping up Spanish, and taking my first ever proper art class. It’s all so trivial}

Homecoming lived up to all expectations (It’s the underclassmen that give it charmful spirit!), but Prom was a waste of money. An hour into the event, I was the 3rd person to arrive. I left early to get gelato instead. Next time, I will skip it to go to Epcot.

Last summer was characterized by me trying to grow up a bit. This summer, I had no one defining fashion, attitude, or philosophy. (I don’t wear gyaru anymore, It’s too hot for  Lolita, I mostly go with the flow in a loose, street fashion kind of way. Fewer established styles. I don’t want to be as innocently feminine anymore. Now I want to grow up.) I wandered from idea to idea with little down time. It was very busy, with official tours and summer classes, and Homework. I feel like I rested very little, hardly slept in. But I did become a full-time driver and chill at my friends’ houses a ton so it evens out?


As a whole, this past school year was all about fun. I was happy. I wasn’t burdened. I didn’t care about the past anymore, I had a s.o. that didn’t make me cry every week, and I felt needed. I walked in day one arrogantly waltzing about- ‘cuz I was a/the clique leader!

Now, I’m walking in with our numbers diminished, but spirits high. My two best friends in my grade are in my advising and I need to spend as much time with them as possible.

{{this is yucky and I will edit it more. It feels…incomplete, but I have been stalling so so much so there}}

This was supposed to be written and posted on the 10th, out of tradition. OTL

Year 1

Year 2

For the very first time, the stars and planets aligned and I was able to attend on Sunday. Now, whether or not it was really worth the extra day is debatable, but I will treat it like a mini victory anyway.


(Left to right: CPK with Shironuri, Karkat, Classic Lolita)

(RANT ALERT: VERY LITTLE INFORMATIVE CONTENT) These are the days when this really is a PERSONAL blog first and foremost.
I will say, however, that this post isn’t going to be as informative as I usually like to be. My con experience has evolved a lot with time: it used to be that I conquered alone, shopping and stopping to take lots of photos. Now, the biggest portion of time is spent chilling with friends (who quite often aren’t in cosplay and leave the con early) and following group plans. I have few pictures beyond of myself. And honestly, I’m getting burned out. This was my 17th convention (all in the span of 4ish years!) and I know what to expect. I’ve never been a panel person and I’m past the “must buy EVERYTHING” stage.

Thus, my weekend was dictated by when my friends were arriving (and my parking situation). I drove myself all three days, a first, and managed to get myself lost once or twice. I learned from my mistakes and found creative detours when crowds and accidents blocked my way.
My panel was on Friday. It was…disappointing. My friends said I did great, but I feel bad anyway. A random guy, identified only as “Steven,” crashed my panel to talk about sushi and boobs :/ I do believe that will be the end of my paneling days. (This is tied in with the gyaru thing) Saturday’s Lolita panel was huge, with 108 in attendance. It was disgusting. She is a terrible public speaker and they are so uppity and I have so few loli friends (gee, with my wonderful personality) and the way they hypocritically were falling over each other to praise Bodyline, when they turned up their nose at it last year…ugh UGH. (My underage friends all avoided Mr. Yan like the plague. I don’t care if he’s behaved thus far this weekend, he still gives us the creeps and I would like people to respect that his track record may be intimidating.)
Sunday wasn’t that great. It was crowded and annoyingly loud and I was done with the con scene but I wasn’t about to abandon the kismesis.


There wasn’t any one fandom represented the most, cosplay-wise, like in previous years. There was barely any hetalia, what felt like minimal Homestuck (although the meetup was decently large. Where were you hiding?), and a handful of SNK. Jo Jo’s Bizarre Adventure, that one basketball anime, Free!, and comic characters were common. I saw a surge in kids’ cartoons, such as Disney princess groups and that one fab Danny Phantom group.



A big change was the con configuration. You can feel how much attendance has grown- there will even be a 4th day next year! The vendor room was moved into the larger ballroom upstairs, flip-flopping with special events/autograph track. (It was nice not having autograph lines near the vendors) There were a number of tables in the back of the room, which became out favorite meeting spot. What Pumpkin was in the vendor room, so I bought a Knight of Blood pin. I also bought sea salt ice cream lollipops, a Patlabor CD (dakeshimeta midNIGHT BLUUEEEE), and a necklace. There were two booths selling proper Lolita, but I abstained for the good of my wallet (the weekend’s parking fees probably could have bought a dress argh).

Overall, it was a good con. More organized than, say, Khaotic. Consistent, entertaining, the best hometown con.






Posted on: July 4, 2014

Have you all heard of this Space Email thing? I tried it. I don’t know if my message actually sent, but I’m enjoying the mix of poetry and fart jokes that flood my inbox.

Space Email is the kind of website I desperately needed back in 2011. I wish it had been around for me and my loneliness. I just read a poem message that felt like a mirror.


Posted on: June 9, 2014

Tonight I made the mistake of looking at old youtube videos, from the glory days (aka hardcore weeb). I then forced spoke with two friends who had to console me out of the overly nostalgic, emotional mood.
I made a lot of friends that i lost and never recovered. I really miss those days….i was a raging weeb that started sub vs. dub fights on videos constantly, and tried to make a fanime and yet back in those days, i never got hate, made lots of internet friends, and made great (yet mortifying) memories.
There’s no common culture there anymore (meaning among that circle of anime fans/wannabe animators/vocaloid) Like, we all admired tinachan90 and Dreachu and Lionnessjenna and TehMana.
I just think the channel layout and the “groups” function and the emphasis on comments fostered a better social network than other sites. like, it was creative but social. and now all of the social network aspects are gone.

i just think we had a good thing going back then :) no matter how embarrassing it is now to look back
A friend brough up Beckii Cruel and other old names. [wrt Beckii Cruel: i just found it freaky as hell to have one icon of those days, of the common group culture, already have evolved into something so different, something..I also turned to. If beckii cruel can transition from weeb dance covers to popular jfashion blogger (even despite that attempt at a singing career) then why cant i just live in peace online]
I get overwhelmed by blinding nostalgia sometimes and i miss those days because im so dissatisfied with the way things are now. like, im quitting fandoms bc ive received so much hate. I’ve finally got to the root of my melancholy.
I’m quitting gyaru, I’m on the fence about Lolita. (I’ve put too much money into Lolita to drop it like a hot potato That would be a waste, after all these years of wardrobe building.)
Are you  kidding you’ve been searching for white lipstick A YEAR AND A HALF. You just bought it!”
I’ll find ways to wear it with everyday outfits. No more gyaru
“What about your panel?”
I’ll do it on cpk and dolly kei and decora and mori girl and everything else.
“But you love gyaru”
but i don’t love being shamed for daring to post on my own blog
i don’t enjoy snide comments behind my back and overt hostility to my face
i don’t enjoy walking around cons in fear of local gyaru that mean trouble
i derive a lot of strength and confidence from adhering, at least in part, to a named, known style. to be subculture-less…..ugh. I have no 100% offline alternative. To exit the online scene would mean quitting entirely.
I usually pick up a new hobby or style or fandom after Metrocon, so if I can find ways to decrease the panel stress and have a good time, that might help me figure things out and find new direction.
What will I be known for, now that youtube is long in the past, Lolita never stuck, and gyaru was an intense disappointment? Where do I turn for solace and community, without compromising my passions?
(the kismesis suggested I branch out in their interests, if it pleases me. Rpg, gaming? other friend suggested egging people’s houses. I like that.)
also maybe if we did something we always wanted to do as weebs would make you feel better about the old communities
I think I might just try creating a simple animation. My drawing capabilities have improved so much over the years since I last tried that side of life. I only work on paper, not on computer, though…
I wont dwell on it too too much but i feel equal parts anger at the comm and internalized self loathing. I self loathe for slightly different reasons. its their fault for having random beef with me. But on the other hand, i look back on the past 4 years of trying to find a niche amongst jfashion communities and i have failed. wasted my time. i will never fit in, so why do i keep bothering.

its been such a big thing for me, i don’t know how to just…let go and move on. what can fill the gap. i mean, this is what i do. i live for all the online fandom interactions. and look how far some of it has taken me! (like the fashion show) but ive hit a dead end when i feel more pain than joy

Posted on: June 8, 2014

My goodness! I completely bypassed May! Well, to be fair, it was rather stressful but successful. You need an A+ (96.51) to exempt exams, so I was working up until the last worksheets, fighting for that cause. In the end, I only took one exam :DD

I have yet to figure out how APs went, but I’m optimistic.

Socially, I was fine with my irl friends and didn’t snap too much. We ended the year on a high note, albeit bittersweet, as we sat through graduation. I went to epcot with a bff <3 Friends drove me to the beach for my birthday. Now people are bogged down with additional testing/roadtrips/summer programs, so it’s getting very quiet around here.

Online, my life became much more difficult. I think I’m going to take an extended break from gyaru (People keep posting about me on hate groups, insulting me to my face, local people getting too close to my usual social circle. It’s rather terrifying. I wonder why these pathetic women spend so much energy yelling at teenagers on the internet for not meeting esoteric standards of perfection but whaaatever I don’t have a chip on my shoulder at allll)

it’s too hot for Lolita, and I completely missed International Lolita Day AGAIN. Four years now I have forgotten. Lame.


So my summer will be dictated by the ACT, a big trip or two, planning my future, and summer hw. I’m not adhering to any one fashion subculture anymore due to all the hostility :/ And that makes me very sad, but mostly outraged. I try not to dwell on it.


Basically, I won’t have any news to report until Metrocon, unless I stop being so lazy and take pictures for a review of the new turquoise, white, and blue lipsticks I bought.

I’ve been passive-aggressively venting on tumblr about my recent gyaru incident for a while now, but the collapse of Egg really magnifies my beef.

UGH. I hate western jfashion communities. I never really fit in among the Lolita, and now I am looked down on by the gyaru. Screw all of you!! Having forgotten that somewhere among the SRS BUSINESS that is alt fashion, there should be equal parts fun. Apparently not a single decision should be allowed to be based on fun and goofiness.

NO I don’t wear ~Burando~ but for real, creating cliques based on financial status is messed up. Gyaru are convinced that unless you own a bajillion pairs of circle lenses and false lashes, you don’t deserve to use up their precious oxygen.

My tipping point, beyond 100+ comments insulting everything from my eyebrows to my existence, was how the gyaru group members were surprised/unnerved by the presence of 15 year olds in a gyaru style video…….they blow my mind, they really do. No teenagers allowed, apparently, in the style derived from teen rebellion?? No orangey-fake tan allowed when wearing a substyle based on….bad fake tans??


I have no constructive way to vent, release, and harness my anger (having escalated from mere annoyance) with the so-called “Gajin Gyaru” comms. They are so determined to share the misery, it’d ridiculous.

((My immediate plan is to merge Yamamba with Lolita OPs to piss off both communities, plus wearing it to an anime convention to rustle the most judgmental jimmies. Y’all don’t own me. I refuse to force myself into the box you want everyone to conveniently accept.))

matryoshkaRose~ (the former lillymelody)
cosplay, street fashion, reviews and more!
When in doubt, come into the rose garden ( ・ω・)ノ

2013 Convention Schedule!
Metrocon (Panel Friday @ 3pm in room 18)
Shadocon (panel?? Depends on how metro goes)

Ways to contact me

Line Play (matryoshkarose)
livejournal (matryoshkalilly)
Tumblr (matryoshkaRose OR rosciia OR moderngal OR newleafshibuya)

Hair growth progress- As of June 2014- I regularly trim my own bangs and they look amazing- choppy and short. Tendrils are long enough to incorporate into general hair. Hair is just about at hips, but with major major fairy tail ends. Mother threatens daily to cut it in my sleep. I plan on dying 2-3 inches at the bottom hot pink again. This time, all diy at home >:D



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