lilly in the rose garden

Aside

Posted on: June 9, 2014

Tonight I made the mistake of looking at old youtube videos, from the glory days (aka hardcore weeb). I then forced spoke with two friends who had to console me out of the overly nostalgic, emotional mood.
I made a lot of friends that i lost and never recovered. I really miss those days….i was a raging weeb that started sub vs. dub fights on videos constantly, and tried to make a fanime and yet back in those days, i never got hate, made lots of internet friends, and made great (yet mortifying) memories.
There’s no common culture there anymore (meaning among that circle of anime fans/wannabe animators/vocaloid) Like, we all admired tinachan90 and Dreachu and Lionnessjenna and TehMana.
I just think the channel layout and the “groups” function and the emphasis on comments fostered a better social network than other sites. like, it was creative but social. and now all of the social network aspects are gone.

i just think we had a good thing going back then :) no matter how embarrassing it is now to look back
A friend brough up Beckii Cruel and other old names. [wrt Beckii Cruel: i just found it freaky as hell to have one icon of those days, of the common group culture, already have evolved into something so different, something..I also turned to. If beckii cruel can transition from weeb dance covers to popular jfashion blogger (even despite that attempt at a singing career) then why cant i just live in peace online]
I get overwhelmed by blinding nostalgia sometimes and i miss those days because im so dissatisfied with the way things are now. like, im quitting fandoms bc ive received so much hate. I’ve finally got to the root of my melancholy.
I’m quitting gyaru, I’m on the fence about Lolita. (I’ve put too much money into Lolita to drop it like a hot potato That would be a waste, after all these years of wardrobe building.)
Are you  kidding you’ve been searching for white lipstick A YEAR AND A HALF. You just bought it!”
I’ll find ways to wear it with everyday outfits. No more gyaru
“What about your panel?”
I’ll do it on cpk and dolly kei and decora and mori girl and everything else.
“But you love gyaru”
but i don’t love being shamed for daring to post on my own blog
i don’t enjoy snide comments behind my back and overt hostility to my face
i don’t enjoy walking around cons in fear of local gyaru that mean trouble
i derive a lot of strength and confidence from adhering, at least in part, to a named, known style. to be subculture-less…..ugh. I have no 100% offline alternative. To exit the online scene would mean quitting entirely.
I usually pick up a new hobby or style or fandom after Metrocon, so if I can find ways to decrease the panel stress and have a good time, that might help me figure things out and find new direction.
What will I be known for, now that youtube is long in the past, Lolita never stuck, and gyaru was an intense disappointment? Where do I turn for solace and community, without compromising my passions?
(the kismesis suggested I branch out in their interests, if it pleases me. Rpg, gaming? other friend suggested egging people’s houses. I like that.)
also maybe if we did something we always wanted to do as weebs would make you feel better about the old communities
I think I might just try creating a simple animation. My drawing capabilities have improved so much over the years since I last tried that side of life. I only work on paper, not on computer, though…
I wont dwell on it too too much but i feel equal parts anger at the comm and internalized self loathing. I self loathe for slightly different reasons. its their fault for having random beef with me. But on the other hand, i look back on the past 4 years of trying to find a niche amongst jfashion communities and i have failed. wasted my time. i will never fit in, so why do i keep bothering.

its been such a big thing for me, i don’t know how to just…let go and move on. what can fill the gap. i mean, this is what i do. i live for all the online fandom interactions. and look how far some of it has taken me! (like the fashion show) but ive hit a dead end when i feel more pain than joy
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matryoshkaRose~ (the former lillymelody)
cosplay, street fashion, reviews and more!
When in doubt, come into the rose garden ( ・ω・)ノ

2015 Convention Schedule
AWA!!!

2016
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Hair growth progress- As of June 2015- I regularly trim my own bangs and they look amazing- choppy and short. The split ends have ruined lives and murdered small children. I haven't had a proper salon cut since July 2013. I might get a trim of 4ish inches by the end of the summer? I'm lazy.

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