lilly in the rose garden

Over the past four years….

Posted on: June 4, 2015

[This is messy and I’ll probs edit it a thousand times so here goes nothing]

The great (scary?) thing is that throughout the course of this blog, you can see my progression from self-loathing and loneliness to comfort and happiness. (Mostly in that I spend less time typing up posts when I’m having a great time irl versus when I’m brooding in my room.)

I do wish I had more journals and blog posts from years prior to even then so I could make more comparisons, but that’s been purged long ago (for good reason! So embarrassing)

The good:

I am a confident, happy, driven person who for the most part feels secure with friends to back me up. I wake up every day glad to be where I am in life at this point. I’ve picked up new skills (Spanish! Driving!) while honing in on potential future interests.

I still love anime, manga, and cosplay. I was elected President of an anime club, and got to introduce my friends to cons and costume making. I’ve gotten better every year and feel proud of my cosplay photos. They capture great moments of my life (and conveniently leave out the stress and how bossy I get when I’m trying to be in charge).

Video games like Animal Crossing truly saved me. I’ve gone from playing games at lunch every week since I had nobody to sit with to blogging about my game experience to attending meetups and playing with others.

Other new hobbies, like fashion, brought to cool new areas. I was a stylist and model in TWO fashion shows. I also got lots of public speaking practice, which will seriously help me from here on out.

I grew out of a lot of things (Homestuck, Vocaloid) but I’m coming to terms with that, that things will never be the same again. In many ways, I’m glad I managed to be in the right place at the right time rather than joining comms once it’s too late. Still, I will miss the people that used to populate my online world that have since disbanded. Nostalgia gets me really emotional.

Speaking of growing out of things, I learned to stand up for myself and as a result terminated friendships with toxic people. And exposure to social justice/feminist thought has made me reevaluate all of my actions and connections with others with the intent to stop supporting morally inappropriate institutions. It’s a constant analytical process that I feel it is my responsibility to do in order to be kinder to others.

The meh:

I have developed trichotillomania and other habitual actions. (Partly from stress, partly just because I’m prone to that stuff absentmindedly)

Some not so uplifting relationships and friendship, but which have mainly been resolved.

Literally every single fashion community I joined ended in disaster in some fashion. I burned countless bridges. Intra-comm drama has drastically altered my perspectives on the clothes themselves, which is too bad.

I feel like fashion-wise I peaked during the 2013-2014 year. It was so fresh to me. I experimented with new styles nearly weekly. Subsequently, I became rather complacent. I feel like I lost my sparkle. I need to be more adventurous and regain that energy which one drove me.

I really miss some websites and comms that have died down. Change still stresses me out, especially when I perceive that I could have a hand in preventing it.

This past year has brought a slew of mood related problems, which I still have no answer for. Am I currently the sort of person I want to truly be? Will my public persona change in only a matter of months? I sure hope this anger and nervous energy isn’t permanent. But on the other hand, I’ve always been an easily excitable person so that’s a matter of discipline.

Bottom line:

When I started this blog, it was part of an attempt to reinvent myself into somebody that could better handle what life was throwing at me. I wanted to feel wanted, to feel like I could someday be an expert in a field, to feel beautiful just by the virtues of being me. I tried to achieve that by setting up this super stuffy fake-fake Lolita persona- one who shuns technology in favor of enjoying the finer things in life. I would become a lifestyler!

The reality was I was making the shift from cruddy t-shirts and sweatpants to Real People Clothes and was scared shitless of what others thought of me. I thought that if I became the perfect lolita (which, to me, also included a lot of now bizarre sounding gender roles) then people would have to look up to me as somebody with worth.

Well, over time I remade friends and built a group that I could rely on. I needed to rely on online communities less and less- not to say that they weren’t and aren’t still so important to me! I’ve just also been expose to the side that cyberbullies and trash talks and I’ve made plenty of mistakes myself. So I need to promise myself that I will continue to prioritize daily real life.

Some of the years of this blog feel so distant now…..

I would tell my younger self to worry less, to just less myself live and learn without trying to fabricate elements of my lifestyle. Nobody at school will understand your breakthroughs anyway so analyze them less and try more things out without judgment. Join clubs that don’t collapse the next year, make more friends in your own class rather than years above or below. Don’t bother with adults, talk to kids more. Shop at Goodwill, not the mall.

Practice flute a tiny bit more diligently and feel less embarrassed about talking to teachers like they’re friends (PS they are. its okay).

“Today was my first day of school. I drove myself, and the air, although sweltering, gave a slight hint of the coming months. The trees look so beautiful, as if life is at its peak just this week only.” (8-18-14)

Well, my last day passed without me actually stepping on campus. Our last party, I decorated my car and played bad music from 2008.

My posts from the first year on here are focused on how abstaining from popular activities made me feel better- since I couldn’t tell if I was being excluded or not. I still feel that sometimes but to combat it I plan all the events myself.


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matryoshkaRose~ (the former lillymelody)
cosplay, street fashion, reviews and more!
When in doubt, come into the rose garden ( ・ω・)ノ

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Hair growth progress- As of June 2015- I regularly trim my own bangs and they look amazing- choppy and short. The split ends have ruined lives and murdered small children. I haven't had a proper salon cut since July 2013. I might get a trim of 4ish inches by the end of the summer? I'm lazy.



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