lilly in the rose garden

Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

[This is messy and I’ll probs edit it a thousand times so here goes nothing]

The great (scary?) thing is that throughout the course of this blog, you can see my progression from self-loathing and loneliness to comfort and happiness. (Mostly in that I spend less time typing up posts when I’m having a great time irl versus when I’m brooding in my room.)

I do wish I had more journals and blog posts from years prior to even then so I could make more comparisons, but that’s been purged long ago (for good reason! So embarrassing)

The good:

I am a confident, happy, driven person who for the most part feels secure with friends to back me up. I wake up every day glad to be where I am in life at this point. I’ve picked up new skills (Spanish! Driving!) while honing in on potential future interests.

I still love anime, manga, and cosplay. I was elected President of an anime club, and got to introduce my friends to cons and costume making. I’ve gotten better every year and feel proud of my cosplay photos. They capture great moments of my life (and conveniently leave out the stress and how bossy I get when I’m trying to be in charge).

Video games like Animal Crossing truly saved me. I’ve gone from playing games at lunch every week since I had nobody to sit with to blogging about my game experience to attending meetups and playing with others.

Other new hobbies, like fashion, brought to cool new areas. I was a stylist and model in TWO fashion shows. I also got lots of public speaking practice, which will seriously help me from here on out.

I grew out of a lot of things (Homestuck, Vocaloid) but I’m coming to terms with that, that things will never be the same again. In many ways, I’m glad I managed to be in the right place at the right time rather than joining comms once it’s too late. Still, I will miss the people that used to populate my online world that have since disbanded. Nostalgia gets me really emotional.

Speaking of growing out of things, I learned to stand up for myself and as a result terminated friendships with toxic people. And exposure to social justice/feminist thought has made me reevaluate all of my actions and connections with others with the intent to stop supporting morally inappropriate institutions. It’s a constant analytical process that I feel it is my responsibility to do in order to be kinder to others.

The meh:

I have developed trichotillomania and other habitual actions. (Partly from stress, partly just because I’m prone to that stuff absentmindedly)

Some not so uplifting relationships and friendship, but which have mainly been resolved.

Literally every single fashion community I joined ended in disaster in some fashion. I burned countless bridges. Intra-comm drama has drastically altered my perspectives on the clothes themselves, which is too bad.

I feel like fashion-wise I peaked during the 2013-2014 year. It was so fresh to me. I experimented with new styles nearly weekly. Subsequently, I became rather complacent. I feel like I lost my sparkle. I need to be more adventurous and regain that energy which one drove me.

I really miss some websites and comms that have died down. Change still stresses me out, especially when I perceive that I could have a hand in preventing it.

This past year has brought a slew of mood related problems, which I still have no answer for. Am I currently the sort of person I want to truly be? Will my public persona change in only a matter of months? I sure hope this anger and nervous energy isn’t permanent. But on the other hand, I’ve always been an easily excitable person so that’s a matter of discipline.

Bottom line:

When I started this blog, it was part of an attempt to reinvent myself into somebody that could better handle what life was throwing at me. I wanted to feel wanted, to feel like I could someday be an expert in a field, to feel beautiful just by the virtues of being me. I tried to achieve that by setting up this super stuffy fake-fake Lolita persona- one who shuns technology in favor of enjoying the finer things in life. I would become a lifestyler!

The reality was I was making the shift from cruddy t-shirts and sweatpants to Real People Clothes and was scared shitless of what others thought of me. I thought that if I became the perfect lolita (which, to me, also included a lot of now bizarre sounding gender roles) then people would have to look up to me as somebody with worth.

Well, over time I remade friends and built a group that I could rely on. I needed to rely on online communities less and less- not to say that they weren’t and aren’t still so important to me! I’ve just also been expose to the side that cyberbullies and trash talks and I’ve made plenty of mistakes myself. So I need to promise myself that I will continue to prioritize daily real life.

Some of the years of this blog feel so distant now…..

I would tell my younger self to worry less, to just less myself live and learn without trying to fabricate elements of my lifestyle. Nobody at school will understand your breakthroughs anyway so analyze them less and try more things out without judgment. Join clubs that don’t collapse the next year, make more friends in your own class rather than years above or below. Don’t bother with adults, talk to kids more. Shop at Goodwill, not the mall.

Practice flute a tiny bit more diligently and feel less embarrassed about talking to teachers like they’re friends (PS they are. its okay).

“Today was my first day of school. I drove myself, and the air, although sweltering, gave a slight hint of the coming months. The trees look so beautiful, as if life is at its peak just this week only.” (8-18-14)

Well, my last day passed without me actually stepping on campus. Our last party, I decorated my car and played bad music from 2008.

My posts from the first year on here are focused on how abstaining from popular activities made me feel better- since I couldn’t tell if I was being excluded or not. I still feel that sometimes but to combat it I plan all the events myself.


I’m cheating and writing portions early because I’m so worried I’ll forget everything. I’ll forget this place and the struggles I had and the fights that defined me this year. (6/3/15)

Classes were rough. The previous year I had skirted by with minimal effort but maximum results. My marks were just as stellar but I worked my ass off to get them! I still feel insecure about my course selection compared to my peers, as I feel like I skimped out on my potential. Also, fuck science, my mortal enemy finally conquered.

My teachers really recognized me for me and I’m so grateful that I got to know some of them. I feel proud that even if I flew under the radar among my peers, I can still feel pride in my quiet achievements. I feel invisible at end of year celebrations, since I can count the number of kids that have refused to talk to me for seven years now. I’m a fish out of water ready for a change in environment and I’m getting just that! Space from it all….space to start fresh and try this out again. I do believe I’ll fare better than last time I tried to reinvent myself (haa….haa)

Homecoming was a blast, I skipped Prom because why not? Megacon proved to be a wonderful substitute.

I complained last year that I had lost my sense of unity within the fashion world. That worsened. I strayed from existing styles and especially in the spring wore… “frumpy for me” meaning inoffensive sundresses and sweaters and didn’t try to break that mold. Winter was the major stumbling point, when I couldn’t be brought to take care of my physical or mental wellbeing, choosing instead to play Pokémon Omega Ruby for 16 hours a day. I’m not sure I’m so far from that pitfall quite yet. (I hate it but effort into my appearance does often = overall wellbeing and mood for me, no matter how I try to untangle myself from gender expectations and socialization).

The summer was more of the same- a continuation of an unstable winter break, a miserable spring break in which snow cancelled all of my plans, and a rough adjustment to the end of classes and disappointing unemployment. I wanted to leave town- to leave friends that I felt I had outgrown, that had already begun to move away from me. I isolated myself, and then didn’t know how to crawl back out of the hole I had planted myself in.

Metrocon was a mixed experience. It was a bright spot; I loved my Rose costume, I reconnected with Homestuck, and I met with a variety of nice people who made my day fun and sunny. Nothing like your hometown con to keep the nostalgia and cheer alive. Buuuut it also reinforced the existing issues I had with my longstanding friends and drove a wedge in further. In other news, this September I can look forward to attending 2 brand new (to me) conventions. Yikes, I’m gonna be broke!

Then New York, my favorite shopping trip. I went to Tokyo Rebel/BTSSB, a nice crepe place, a boutique where the owner asked if I was a fashion blogger because she thought she recognized me/my style looked very trendy(!), Kinokuniya, The American Girl Store, various museums, and one really good Ramen place. I ate great and bought jewelry, a sweater from Uniqlo, and fashion magazines galore. I was riding on the high of excitement of the city….until I returned home and deeply crashed back into old habits.


Basically, the only definitively positive things I can say about 2014-2015 is that I have great comments from teachers to look back on, which bolsters my confidence in my academic abilities and potential, and I have my next big thing lined up which will take me out of this place, away from these people, and into an environment where I can start fresh. I need to keep my anger and depression (possibly? I dunno, but I fit many of its symptoms) in check, and also more closely monitor for the traits I would like in a friend, rather than settling for people who won’t place their trust in me. In the meantime, I got packing to do and bridges to burn.


Can’t believe its been four years on this blog. Yikes!

(Apparently this is my 151st post! Yay milestone?)

Today was my first day of school. I drove myself, and the air, although sweltering, gave a slight hint of the coming months. The trees look so beautiful, as if life is at its peak just this week only. I have basically filler work all week, nothing important. Which means more time to plan last second parties for my friends.

Now, I will look back on the third school year of this blog. I like doing YIR in August because, lets be real, my life revolves around the school schedule. Last YIR post I commented that 2012-2013 felt like a thousand years. This time not so much. It went by too quickly. The school year felt like a calm continuation of the peace I had found the previous April. Classes were easy (During midterms I lamented not doing 110% and getting A+s in my easy A classes. Second semester I did just that and hardly took any exams) I was in band, which was boooring and the underclassmen were difficult to work with, but I made one strong yet short lived friendship so yeah. I didn’t have huge challenges, no mental breakdowns. Just routine. My confidence was high, and we were drunk on the promise of freedom.

{I can’t say I cherished any of last year’s classes. They were mandatory. I did enjoy my English teacher’s friendly style so much that I signed up for his class this year. I’m returning to Latin while keeping up Spanish, and taking my first ever proper art class. It’s all so trivial}

Homecoming lived up to all expectations (It’s the underclassmen that give it charmful spirit!), but Prom was a waste of money. An hour into the event, I was the 3rd person to arrive. I left early to get gelato instead. Next time, I will skip it to go to Epcot.

Last summer was characterized by me trying to grow up a bit. This summer, I had no one defining fashion, attitude, or philosophy. (I don’t wear gyaru anymore, It’s too hot for  Lolita, I mostly go with the flow in a loose, street fashion kind of way. Fewer established styles. I don’t want to be as innocently feminine anymore. Now I want to grow up.) I wandered from idea to idea with little down time. It was very busy, with official tours and summer classes, and Homework. I feel like I rested very little, hardly slept in. But I did become a full-time driver and chill at my friends’ houses a ton so it evens out?


As a whole, this past school year was all about fun. I was happy. I wasn’t burdened. I didn’t care about the past anymore, I had a s.o. that didn’t make me cry every week, and I felt needed. I walked in day one arrogantly waltzing about- ‘cuz I was a/the clique leader!

Now, I’m walking in with our numbers diminished, but spirits high. My two best friends in my grade are in my advising and I need to spend as much time with them as possible.

{{this is yucky and I will edit it more. It feels…incomplete, but I have been stalling so so much so there}}

This was supposed to be written and posted on the 10th, out of tradition. OTL

Year 1

Year 2

I’ve been passive-aggressively venting on tumblr about my recent gyaru incident for a while now, but the collapse of Egg really magnifies my beef.

UGH. I hate western jfashion communities. I never really fit in among the Lolita, and now I am looked down on by the gyaru. Screw all of you!! Having forgotten that somewhere among the SRS BUSINESS that is alt fashion, there should be equal parts fun. Apparently not a single decision should be allowed to be based on fun and goofiness.

NO I don’t wear ~Burando~ but for real, creating cliques based on financial status is messed up. Gyaru are convinced that unless you own a bajillion pairs of circle lenses and false lashes, you don’t deserve to use up their precious oxygen.

My tipping point, beyond 100+ comments insulting everything from my eyebrows to my existence, was how the gyaru group members were surprised/unnerved by the presence of 15 year olds in a gyaru style video…….they blow my mind, they really do. No teenagers allowed, apparently, in the style derived from teen rebellion?? No orangey-fake tan allowed when wearing a substyle based on….bad fake tans??


I have no constructive way to vent, release, and harness my anger (having escalated from mere annoyance) with the so-called “Gajin Gyaru” comms. They are so determined to share the misery, it’d ridiculous.

((My immediate plan is to merge Yamamba with Lolita OPs to piss off both communities, plus wearing it to an anime convention to rustle the most judgmental jimmies. Y’all don’t own me. I refuse to force myself into the box you want everyone to conveniently accept.))

Oh a whim, I searched “gyaru” within egl…and my own posts popped up! That and one post where a user asked for any available photos of mixing of gyaru and Lolita and ended up getting an earful about what an abomination gyaru is how they should never mix and how DARE YOU bring this up. Granted, it was back in 2007, but that still is far enough on the gyaru timeline to be moving away from the extreme Yamamba styles. (Nowadays gyaru is so discreet that I don’t think it would be as huge an issue)

It got me thinking “why do lolitas hate substyles and crossovers so much?” Yes, some gyaru complain about gyarusa members that cross between the lines, but the most open hostility to gyaru I’ve seen is on the Lolita side…

Lolita, as it stands, relies heavily on established rules. Every year it seems the enforcement gets stricter. Because of this, Lolita has barely evolved and retains its original form and aesthetic.  Gyaru, on the other hand, has been reformed so many times that each new generation approaches it completely differently. Modern neogal and mode gal hardly looks different from general “Fashionable girl” styles, save a few more false eyelashes. The tan, huge hair, and white makeup is all gone. (is that what, in particular, offended Lolita the most?)

Lolita accepts a small list of girly and modest substyles (Ero is often not included in masterposts- it hardly exists and many are excited to erase it forever) Lolita does not mix well with other fashion communities. The clothing itself is versatile but for some reason EGL is very reluctant to accept that.

Local comms in particular, in my experience, quietly punish those that can’t contain themselves within the “ideal Lolita” mold. Wearing any form of gyaru, regardless of look and style, lessens your credibility as a “True Lolita.”

I just can’t fathom it.

I’ll restrain myself from unleashing the rest of my rage at local comms and their bullshit, but my point is that for some reason, despite all these years and fads, Lolita is very intolerable of change and evolution, restricting the community. Yes, it keeps order, but it can be difficult for people who don’t like to keep to just one style. Mixing and matching and experimentation is accepted- as long as it is quiet and doesn’t catch on.



Spring is wonderful. It’s so warm and sunny and I get to tan on the beach starting tomorrow or the next day. Bought a new pair of sunglasses, a cute coverup, and nicer bathing suit pieces. I’m ready to go!
Vintage shopping. Ganguro makeup….

I feel excited and restless so I wore heavy makeup. Bring it on world! Maybe I’ll dance for a while and play Animal Crossing. gotta make these vacation days count!


Last weekend I went to a small independent movie theater to see a showing of Neon Genesis Evangelion 3.0 You Can (not) Redo. Naturally, I arrived in cosplay.


I went with a friend and like, the moment we arrived somebody already asked for a photo! My friend later admitted it would have been cooler if he had tried to cosplay Shinji to match with me. I saw two other Kaworus, two Reis, an Asuka, a handful of Shinjis, and one original series Misato.

The theater was pretty tiny- only two theaters in the cinema. It seated like 50?? All arranged in chairs around tables, since it was a dine-in and bar kind of setup. The movie itself was just the Bluray release disc lol

It was very plain for the $15 price (plus prices for food) but daaaang the experience of being there, watching people cosplay and play pokemon together while we waited, actually seeing the movie in a more formal setting…worth it.

I heard that a moviegoer in the Carolinas actually paid for one of these events only to arrive and realize the movie was being played via somebody’s Playstation. I gotta say, this supposed “nationwide screening day” was not as structured and formal as the website suggested. I think I was in the best theater around from what I’ve heard.

Either way, totally worth it. I was so confused at the end and I think I prefer the original series. The CGI was so crappy and underwhelming, it distracted from the plot. Buuuut I will continue to purchase the DVDs and support the series just because.

matryoshkaRose~ (the former lillymelody)
cosplay, street fashion, reviews and more!
When in doubt, come into the rose garden ( ・ω・)ノ

2015 Convention Schedule

Who the heck knows.
Dragon Con

Ways to contact me

I got locked out of my lineplay u_______u
livejournal (matryoshkalilly)
Tumblr (matryoshkaRose OR newleafshibuya)

Hair growth progress- As of June 2015- I regularly trim my own bangs and they look amazing- choppy and short. The split ends have ruined lives and murdered small children. I haven't had a proper salon cut since July 2013. I might get a trim of 4ish inches by the end of the summer? I'm lazy.



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