lilly in the rose garden

Two collages made of items from Charlotte Russe, Claire’s, Forever21, and Bath and Body Works. I’ve definitely been feeling beachy lately peach mermaid

blue mermaid

[This is messy and I’ll probs edit it a thousand times so here goes nothing]

The great (scary?) thing is that throughout the course of this blog, you can see my progression from self-loathing and loneliness to comfort and happiness. (Mostly in that I spend less time typing up posts when I’m having a great time irl versus when I’m brooding in my room.)

I do wish I had more journals and blog posts from years prior to even then so I could make more comparisons, but that’s been purged long ago (for good reason! So embarrassing)

The good:

I am a confident, happy, driven person who for the most part feels secure with friends to back me up. I wake up every day glad to be where I am in life at this point. I’ve picked up new skills (Spanish! Driving!) while honing in on potential future interests.

I still love anime, manga, and cosplay. I was elected President of an anime club, and got to introduce my friends to cons and costume making. I’ve gotten better every year and feel proud of my cosplay photos. They capture great moments of my life (and conveniently leave out the stress and how bossy I get when I’m trying to be in charge).

Video games like Animal Crossing truly saved me. I’ve gone from playing games at lunch every week since I had nobody to sit with to blogging about my game experience to attending meetups and playing with others.

Other new hobbies, like fashion, brought to cool new areas. I was a stylist and model in TWO fashion shows. I also got lots of public speaking practice, which will seriously help me from here on out.

I grew out of a lot of things (Homestuck, Vocaloid) but I’m coming to terms with that, that things will never be the same again. In many ways, I’m glad I managed to be in the right place at the right time rather than joining comms once it’s too late. Still, I will miss the people that used to populate my online world that have since disbanded. Nostalgia gets me really emotional.

Speaking of growing out of things, I learned to stand up for myself and as a result terminated friendships with toxic people. And exposure to social justice/feminist thought has made me reevaluate all of my actions and connections with others with the intent to stop supporting morally inappropriate institutions. It’s a constant analytical process that I feel it is my responsibility to do in order to be kinder to others.

The meh:

I have developed trichotillomania and other habitual actions. (Partly from stress, partly just because I’m prone to that stuff absentmindedly)

Some not so uplifting relationships and friendship, but which have mainly been resolved.

Literally every single fashion community I joined ended in disaster in some fashion. I burned countless bridges. Intra-comm drama has drastically altered my perspectives on the clothes themselves, which is too bad.

I feel like fashion-wise I peaked during the 2013-2014 year. It was so fresh to me. I experimented with new styles nearly weekly. Subsequently, I became rather complacent. I feel like I lost my sparkle. I need to be more adventurous and regain that energy which one drove me.

I really miss some websites and comms that have died down. Change still stresses me out, especially when I perceive that I could have a hand in preventing it.

This past year has brought a slew of mood related problems, which I still have no answer for. Am I currently the sort of person I want to truly be? Will my public persona change in only a matter of months? I sure hope this anger and nervous energy isn’t permanent. But on the other hand, I’ve always been an easily excitable person so that’s a matter of discipline.

Bottom line:

When I started this blog, it was part of an attempt to reinvent myself into somebody that could better handle what life was throwing at me. I wanted to feel wanted, to feel like I could someday be an expert in a field, to feel beautiful just by the virtues of being me. I tried to achieve that by setting up this super stuffy fake-fake Lolita persona- one who shuns technology in favor of enjoying the finer things in life. I would become a lifestyler!

The reality was I was making the shift from cruddy t-shirts and sweatpants to Real People Clothes and was scared shitless of what others thought of me. I thought that if I became the perfect lolita (which, to me, also included a lot of now bizarre sounding gender roles) then people would have to look up to me as somebody with worth.

Well, over time I remade friends and built a group that I could rely on. I needed to rely on online communities less and less- not to say that they weren’t and aren’t still so important to me! I’ve just also been expose to the side that cyberbullies and trash talks and I’ve made plenty of mistakes myself. So I need to promise myself that I will continue to prioritize daily real life.

Some of the years of this blog feel so distant now…..

I would tell my younger self to worry less, to just less myself live and learn without trying to fabricate elements of my lifestyle. Nobody at school will understand your breakthroughs anyway so analyze them less and try more things out without judgment. Join clubs that don’t collapse the next year, make more friends in your own class rather than years above or below. Don’t bother with adults, talk to kids more. Shop at Goodwill, not the mall.

Practice flute a tiny bit more diligently and feel less embarrassed about talking to teachers like they’re friends (PS they are. its okay).

“Today was my first day of school. I drove myself, and the air, although sweltering, gave a slight hint of the coming months. The trees look so beautiful, as if life is at its peak just this week only.” (8-18-14)

Well, my last day passed without me actually stepping on campus. Our last party, I decorated my car and played bad music from 2008.

My posts from the first year on here are focused on how abstaining from popular activities made me feel better- since I couldn’t tell if I was being excluded or not. I still feel that sometimes but to combat it I plan all the events myself.

I’m cheating and writing portions early because I’m so worried I’ll forget everything. I’ll forget this place and the struggles I had and the fights that defined me this year. (6/3/15)

Classes were rough. The previous year I had skirted by with minimal effort but maximum results. My marks were just as stellar but I worked my ass off to get them! I still feel insecure about my course selection compared to my peers, as I feel like I skimped out on my potential. Also, fuck science, my mortal enemy finally conquered.

My teachers really recognized me for me and I’m so grateful that I got to know some of them. I feel proud that even if I flew under the radar among my peers, I can still feel pride in my quiet achievements. I feel invisible at end of year celebrations, since I can count the number of kids that have refused to talk to me for seven years now. I’m a fish out of water ready for a change in environment and I’m getting just that! Space from it all….space to start fresh and try this out again. I do believe I’ll fare better than last time I tried to reinvent myself (haa….haa)

Homecoming was a blast, I skipped Prom because why not? Megacon proved to be a wonderful substitute.

I complained last year that I had lost my sense of unity within the fashion world. That worsened. I strayed from existing styles and especially in the spring wore… “frumpy for me” meaning inoffensive sundresses and sweaters and didn’t try to break that mold. Winter was the major stumbling point, when I couldn’t be brought to take care of my physical or mental wellbeing, choosing instead to play Pokémon Omega Ruby for 16 hours a day. I’m not sure I’m so far from that pitfall quite yet. (I hate it but effort into my appearance does often = overall wellbeing and mood for me, no matter how I try to untangle myself from gender expectations and socialization).

The summer was more of the same- a continuation of an unstable winter break, a miserable spring break in which snow cancelled all of my plans, and a rough adjustment to the end of classes and disappointing unemployment. I wanted to leave town- to leave friends that I felt I had outgrown, that had already begun to move away from me. I isolated myself, and then didn’t know how to crawl back out of the hole I had planted myself in.

Metrocon was a mixed experience. It was a bright spot; I loved my Rose costume, I reconnected with Homestuck, and I met with a variety of nice people who made my day fun and sunny. Nothing like your hometown con to keep the nostalgia and cheer alive. Buuuut it also reinforced the existing issues I had with my longstanding friends and drove a wedge in further. In other news, this September I can look forward to attending 2 brand new (to me) conventions. Yikes, I’m gonna be broke!

Then New York, my favorite shopping trip. I went to Tokyo Rebel/BTSSB, a nice crepe place, a boutique where the owner asked if I was a fashion blogger because she thought she recognized me/my style looked very trendy(!), Kinokuniya, The American Girl Store, various museums, and one really good Ramen place. I ate great and bought jewelry, a sweater from Uniqlo, and fashion magazines galore. I was riding on the high of excitement of the city….until I returned home and deeply crashed back into old habits.

 

Basically, the only definitively positive things I can say about 2014-2015 is that I have great comments from teachers to look back on, which bolsters my confidence in my academic abilities and potential, and I have my next big thing lined up which will take me out of this place, away from these people, and into an environment where I can start fresh. I need to keep my anger and depression (possibly? I dunno, but I fit many of its symptoms) in check, and also more closely monitor for the traits I would like in a friend, rather than settling for people who won’t place their trust in me. In the meantime, I got packing to do and bridges to burn.

 

Can’t believe its been four years on this blog. Yikes!

Welcome to my latest post since friggen March

I had a bunch of cute fashion reviews to share, but I got so bogged down OTL
To be honest, I buried my nose in books and end of year busy work to prevent myself from thinking about the future. I got very shortsighted. My priorities have shifted so much thus far in 2015.

My world view is majorly messed up right now. I’m trying to pick up the pieces now that I’ve lost my main direction until the fall. I feel pretty lost. I’ve been in a bad place, but eons better than back in 2011, so there’s a victory!!

I’ve tried to steer the blog toward a more informative slant, since I have periodic bouts of paranoia about internet safety (HA HA) but some personal reflection would be good. I’m at a point where, for entertainment value and also because I hate myself, I’ve been pouring over relics of the past 7 years.

Posts to write:

– Clear Lipgloss review (NYC vs. NYX)

-A four year recap (versus regular Year in Review)

I wanted to do some “Favorites of the season” of shoes and various little tidbits I see in stores, but I keep forgetting to move them off my phone.

I COMPLETELY forgot to post about Mega 2015 which was AWESOME to the moon and back. I hardly took any photos, though….and now Metro is two weeks away <3 <3 welp

Sephora haul! (If one product can be considered a haul)

I’m so disappointed that my favorite lipgloss ever was discontinued, so I searched for a dupe.

IMG_2413 IMG_2412

(Two different kinds of lighting)

Top: Sephora glossy gloss in berry shake, bottom: Urban Decay lip junkie lipgloss in Naked (came with the Naked 2 palette)

Berry Shake:

-Glittery (more glitter and sparkle) but not sticky-shiny

-Fruity taste

-Not plumping (no mint or cinnamon)

Lip Junkie:

-Plumping

-Very sticky

-Sheer, light coverage

IMG_2418

Top is UD, bottom is Sephora

As you can see, Berry Shake is indeed more berry to UD’s lighter shade, but on my lips they look nearly the same. (The difference being that Berry has glitter wheras UD looks shiny because of how sticky it is. Berry rather just glides on without sticking)

Worn photos:

UD Lip Junkie

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20150307-145531.jpg

Sephora berry shake

20150307-145353.jpg

20150307-145459.jpg

Bottom line: The color is very close (With Sephora being a tad darker and definitely more berry), but the texture isn’t the same (Thick and sticky vs. smoother and slicker)

EDIT 6/3: UGHH I hate the Sephora lipgloss. It has NO lasting power. The color and sparkle is nice but it wear off after 15 minutes, which leaves glitter all over the edges of my lips. What a waste of time.

This is part 5! (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4) **SPOILERS AHEAD**

This is not only a fantastic book, but the exact book I needed. Written in the last 1970s (published 1982), this book predates all of the novels I have read thus far. Despite its age, it feels just so modern. Unless I checked the copyright date, I might have thought it was written in the last five years. But, its early publication also lends it great dignity and history. An interview with the author at the back of the book discusses the plight and growing liberation of lgbt teens and adults throughout the years and the author’s own experiences coming out into a less than ideal environment. (It’s really inspiring to read)

It features two young high school girls discovering their growing attraction for one another while also realizing the difficulty in articulating their desires and coping with the harsh obstacles sent their way.

You may have seen this book on tumblr book lists before, proudly referred to as a lesbian book with a happy ending. I spend all my time reading fearing for when shit was going to hit the fan, for when their world would come crashing down. I was so pleasantly surprised and relived when I reached the ending.

If you are grasping for something happy, with good representation and fun writing, here you go. It has a not so discreet cover (The title and the smiling girls on the cover rather reveal its subject matter), but whether that means you try an ebook, audiobook, or book cover, PLEASE PLEASE read this book.

10/10 BEST BOOK I HAVE READ THUS FAR

Welcome to Part 4 (part 1, part 2, part 3)

This book is different from the previous three in that those were LGBT Books, in the sense that the main conflict is somebody being non straight, non cis, and/or gender nonconforming. They focus solely on the struggle of being LGBTQIA and little else, and tend to take place in a school setting.

This book is a short fantasy novel that happens to have a boatload of diverse, interesting characters, with moments of introspection and discussions of sexuality. It is rich, with great world building. Post-apocalyptic LA sets the stage for a loosy-goosy, quite creative retelling of Odysseus. That being said, a little prerequisite knowledge of the myth as well as a suspension of belief and need for rationality help out. It will take you on an adventure so long as you don’t try to muddle over the details quite so literally. (I am a very literal person)

It’s only downfall, in my opinion, is its brevity. Luckily, the author has plenty more for you to check out.

Would recommend

matryoshkaRose~ (the former lillymelody)
cosplay, street fashion, reviews and more!
When in doubt, come into the rose garden ( ・ω・)ノ

2015 Convention Schedule
AWA!!!

2016
Who the heck knows.
Metrocon
Dragon Con

Ways to contact me

Here!
I got locked out of my lineplay u_______u
livejournal (matryoshkalilly)
Tumblr (matryoshkaRose OR newleafshibuya)

Hair growth progress- As of June 2015- I regularly trim my own bangs and they look amazing- choppy and short. The split ends have ruined lives and murdered small children. I haven't had a proper salon cut since July 2013. I might get a trim of 4ish inches by the end of the summer? I'm lazy.

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