lilly in the rose garden

Posts Tagged ‘seriously personal

(Apparently this is my 151st post! Yay milestone?)

Today was my first day of school. I drove myself, and the air, although sweltering, gave a slight hint of the coming months. The trees look so beautiful, as if life is at its peak just this week only. I have basically filler work all week, nothing important. Which means more time to plan last second parties for my friends.

Now, I will look back on the third school year of this blog. I like doing YIR in August because, lets be real, my life revolves around the school schedule. Last YIR post I commented that 2012-2013 felt like a thousand years. This time not so much. It went by too quickly. The school year felt like a calm continuation of the peace I had found the previous April. Classes were easy (During midterms I lamented not doing 110% and getting A+s in my easy A classes. Second semester I did just that and hardly took any exams) I was in band, which was boooring and the underclassmen were difficult to work with, but I made one strong yet short lived friendship so yeah. I didn’t have huge challenges, no mental breakdowns. Just routine. My confidence was high, and we were drunk on the promise of freedom.

{I can’t say I cherished any of last year’s classes. They were mandatory. I did enjoy my English teacher’s friendly style so much that I signed up for his class this year. I’m returning to Latin while keeping up Spanish, and taking my first ever proper art class. It’s all so trivial}

Homecoming lived up to all expectations (It’s the underclassmen that give it charmful spirit!), but Prom was a waste of money. An hour into the event, I was the 3rd person to arrive. I left early to get gelato instead. Next time, I will skip it to go to Epcot.

Last summer was characterized by me trying to grow up a bit. This summer, I had no one defining fashion, attitude, or philosophy. (I don’t wear gyaru anymore, It’s too hot for  Lolita, I mostly go with the flow in a loose, street fashion kind of way. Fewer established styles. I don’t want to be as innocently feminine anymore. Now I want to grow up.) I wandered from idea to idea with little down time. It was very busy, with official tours and summer classes, and Homework. I feel like I rested very little, hardly slept in. But I did become a full-time driver and chill at my friends’ houses a ton so it evens out?

 

As a whole, this past school year was all about fun. I was happy. I wasn’t burdened. I didn’t care about the past anymore, I had a s.o. that didn’t make me cry every week, and I felt needed. I walked in day one arrogantly waltzing about- ‘cuz I was a/the clique leader!

Now, I’m walking in with our numbers diminished, but spirits high. My two best friends in my grade are in my advising and I need to spend as much time with them as possible.

{{this is yucky and I will edit it more. It feels…incomplete, but I have been stalling so so much so there}}

This was supposed to be written and posted on the 10th, out of tradition. OTL

Year 1

Year 2

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Welp it’s been two years running this blog now (founded in August 2011). I groan a little when I read my early posts, a painful reminder of the kid I used to be. This past school year has changed everything. Get ready, it’s a long, convoluted post. I probably should have wrote all this back in May, when the school year 2012-2013 was more relevant.

It all started with reconnecting with my friends that I assembled at the end of the previous year. Now, I talked about this on here repeatedly, so I won’t rewrite every event that occurred, but the short story is I entered the school year with a growing clique (no longer excluded) and emerged….the official (we had a vote) clique leader. Damn. It’s funny, last august seems forever ago….the fun we had at Busch Gardens, the time we went ice skating….it’s all so distant.

Some of the classmates we met back in August 2012 turned out to be a bad fit for our group….(one unfortunate bullying incident, which I still disapprove of) People I considered my closest friends back last fall, I now no longer am on speaking terms with.

Last year, in my review post, I mentioned that I might go to homecoming. Well, after much drama, I decided on going with a new friend, then boyfriend, of mine. (He was very sweet and we dated for five months before I had enough and needed space.)  It was a blast, that one night. I loved my dress, hated the music, can’t wait to do it again. I already have my dress- It only cost me $12!! I dread the drama that consumes the week before the event, but I am prepared to set the dinner reservations and other plans for the clique. I have become very good at hosting or helping organize these things, after all. (I’m the political leader, another boy is sort-of our “”””spiritual leader””””” in that everybody identifies our clique by him, but even he bows to my authority, even twisting rules here and there to benefit me.) I created a facebook account, surprisingly enough, for these purposes.

School, however, turned into a living hell. The one thing that saved me was Photography class. I hardly took any pictures, but that free period where I could do homework, study, or just hightail it out to the riverside was perfect. I took an advanced Chemistry course, only to realize I suck at Chemistry. I may never take a tough science course again, but I have no regrets. It showed me the true limits of my abilities. Wonderful teachers like my latin and algebra teachers also saved me. They comforted me and helped me work out attack plans. My once-favorite tough teacher turned on me, but I’m done with her subject anyway.

(It is true to say that THE boy in my life at that time was a huge help too, even if it distracted me from my homework.)

After that, things remained tough, but I worked through it. I was devastated first semester when my grades dropped to an all-time low, dropping me off the top list and other recognition. Second semester I ended the year with only two Bs!!! NHS, Head’s list, hellya.

The classes I’m taking this year are more balanced; super-easy paired with two APs. I know better now.

Back to the social side (ik ik this post is a train-wreck)….around spring break it fell apart and pieced itself together again. I dumped by boyfriend, and ran off to the beach with my inner circle of friends. About a month later, a new boy wormed his way back into my life; a best friend from middle school who I had shunned for a year and a half following a nasty failed relationship. He now is my best friend and I’m glad to have him back in my life. We have both matured so much with regards to our communication and interactions, it’s working much better this time around. Luckily, those around us have matured too, and I did not experience nearly as much harassment and teasing as I expected.

Finally, just like always, we had our end-of-year Hetalia party, although the anime itself is no longer the main event. (It’s so sad to see how much APH has fallen….) The difference is this year we had much more freedom, and walking downtown for food was a year-long thing, so by the last day, we were down with the plan with less parent concerns GOSH. For once, the parties continued well after May, however.

I had to take summer p.e. to get my last credit in, but I actually had a ton of fun. I miss working out in the weightlifting room ): I won’t get another chance to, I think… Then, I hit the beach and tanned up a ton. (No more paleness for me!! Bronzer, baby!) I’m running more panels and trying to become a stylist for an event, and other things to ensure happiness. I do need to get back to work at Cracker Country, however. I haven’t done community service since February.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So the past two years have been all about me trying to free myself from past pain and focus on finding myself and following my desires for happiness. Now, I have regained the power I always desired, but I have to play by the rules (which I set, ironically) to maintain it. I have kind, sweet people there to support me, but I still have drama to deal with. I still wear Lolita and attend anime conventions, but gyaru has taken root as well. Jfashion has actually become even more important in my life before, as I make it more everyday wear than event wear.

My goal for the next year is just to continue to exercise new freedoms and survive in one piece.

(warning, warning! ~personal post~)

Last summer was dreary. It rained like clockwork everyday slightly past noon, and would continue through the night. We didn’t have any tropical storms or bad floods, but it was enough to ruin my mood. Due to certain circumstances, we remained in town all of June and July. I sat on the couch with my laptop and stared at pretty pictures of clothes and the (new to me) world of Lolita fashion. I watched anime and read manga online. I waited for hours on facebook. My friends never contacted me, asked me to go anywhere with them.

I lost weight. I hardly moved. My days revolved around the internet and shopping at the mall. (Which ended badly, usually. I needed a completely new wardrobe for school, but dress code items weren’t in stock until October)

I stared at people on the internet, pictures of them having fun, and thought “Why can’t I be that happy?”

School started. I was still unhappy. I no longer felt welcome in my old clique. I felt I had nobody to turn to. The people I liked the least thought they were being so kind as to grant me their pity. I hated it.

I was tired, stressed, vulnerable.

I deleted my Facebook account. I felt a bit better.

I quit band class and signed up for study hall. I had more free time to spend on myself. I was feeling a bit more happier.

I skipped Homecoming to go to Epcot with my mom. Some kids were jealous.

I joined the book club, the anime club, the knitting club. I met kids of all ages. I talked to older kids and I hung out with younger kids. Suddenly, I was happy.

I still had flare ups, but I knew how to control them. I knew that the sky would always be clear the next day. I found things I loved- my new friends, cosplaying, lolita, and even found classes enjoyable. (I had a really tough teacher. She liked me. I was at the top of the class. On purpose, I signed up to have her again)

I wore bolder clothes to school. I expressed myself more freely.

The last day of school was great. A group of us, some anime club members, some random kids he grabbed from around campus, went out to lunch downtown. I felt so free. We walked for a while and picked a resteraunt. I paid for a friend’s meal. We walked back to the cars to head off to a party. We sang jpop and kpop songs and laughed at my Hetalia soundtrack CD.

I was happy.

I had a fabulous summer this year. I went to new places, met great people. and was able to live in a world beyond the walls of the house. I had a nice break, and now I’m excited to catch up with my gang again. I’ll hug my best friend and take photography class and not have to worry about changing for P.E. My classes are brutal, but I can manage just fine.

I may even go to Homecoming.

I don’t need to escape anymore.


matryoshkaRose~ (the former lillymelody)
cosplay, street fashion, reviews and more!
When in doubt, come into the rose garden ( ・ω・)ノ

2015 Convention Schedule
AWA!!!

2016
Who the heck knows.
Metrocon
Dragon Con

Ways to contact me

Here!
I got locked out of my lineplay u_______u
livejournal (matryoshkalilly)
Tumblr (matryoshkaRose OR newleafshibuya)

Hair growth progress- As of June 2015- I regularly trim my own bangs and they look amazing- choppy and short. The split ends have ruined lives and murdered small children. I haven't had a proper salon cut since July 2013. I might get a trim of 4ish inches by the end of the summer? I'm lazy.

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